Wednesday, October 30, 2013

A little to real

If you aren't ready for a long, very real post with no humor, turn away now. Today is too much. Today I want to start walking, and just keep walking. I am the mother to a special needs child. There it is. I said it. I am the mother to a very special little boy. This little boy has my whole heart. This little boy is very loving, kind, and sweet. This little boy is very scary, violent, explosive, and difficult. Today this child is more in the second category than the first. Today is a hard day. A very honest, hard, soul searching, soul wrenching day. Today I am suffering. Suffering from guilt. Suffering from confusion. Suffering from want. Suffering from loss. Today is a raw day. I have many raw days, but they generally are not as openly raw as today. Today it is very clear that my son is not ok, and that he isn't ever going to be ok. Today is a day of questioning myself. Questioning my every move as a parent. Can I give the very special little boy that I have been blessed with all that he needs? Would he be better if I allowed him to be distanced from me, and put into a more government run system? You see, I have chosen to be this childs mother. Yes, I chose it before I cam here to Earth, but I am talking more about my choices here. I have chosen this child. I have chosen to be his mother full time. I have chosen to keep him home and give him the very best of me. I have kept him home to educate him. I have kept him home to protect him from the cruelty of the world. I am a home schooling mother. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer him than he could get in a government run public school, underfunded and over worked. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer by giving him the one on one education this special child of mine needs. So why do I find myself questioning my every move? Why did I chose this very hard path? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I really enough? Could he get more from someone else?? Today is hard. Today he has cried. Today his heart has broken over and over for no reason anyone outside of his head can see. Today I question myself. Did I do this to him? Did I sleep to much or not enough during pregnancy? Did the medication I took for hypernemesis cause this? Did I harm my child? Did he chose this body, knowing its imperfections? Did he chose me as his mother because I can do hard things? Am I failing him? Can I really do things this hard? Who will this child be? What is meant for his life? Am I able to be the mother he needs? How? How do I keep breathing through these very raw days. Days of realization. Days of raw realization. Days that tell me that this road is not a paved one. Today I am surrounded by love. Today I have an eternal family. Today I feel alone.

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