The good things in life

I stopped using Blogger for a long while because of technical errors, but while talking with friend's today we were joking about how our Littles would believe that they never had any fun, but thw good times with our older children were well documented.  My sweet friend talked about how her Littles were doing something fun, and her husband said "Remember when we were new parents and we would have been over there taking pictures and blogging all about it?" So she told her oldest child to run over and grab a couple pictures for future proof of their joy. Yes, sometimes being the parent is amazing. 

My children are growing so quickly.

  My oldest daughter lost her sweet husband 3 1/2 years ago already.  How time flies.  She has since married a wonderful new man that is kind, giving and helpful.  He has a good heart, and better yet, he had two beautiful children to contribute to their marriage.  That means that my daughter is thw mother to 3 beautiful children now.  She was pregnant when Jacob passed, and there incredible son is turning 3 in a month. 

   My oldest so is doing great things.  He is working toward a great career as a Heavy Diesel Mechanic.  The best news though, is that he will be marrying the perfect woman in less than two months.  We couldn't be more pleased.  

The youngest 4 are growing so quickly.  They are 16, 12, 11 and 5. They are enjoying summer immensely,  and spen thw day swimming with friends at a local lake today.  The entire lake is only knee deep, and SO much fun.  It is beautiful to boot.  

Now for the important stuff:

This knitting, and other fiber goods.  I had a goal for the last year to knit a sweater a month.  I completed that goal, plus some.  I still find great joy in my knitting.  There is no way I will be able to finish documenting this properly..

Those will have to come a couple at a time as we go along. 

Gentle Weaning

Dear son,
Thank you for weaning me gently.  As I tried to sleep last night I took a minute to watch you breath slowly, and I was instantly overwhelmed with gratitude for your choice to wean me gently. 
I am so thankful that you floated through infancy, and into toddler hood gently, instead of overnight, even though it felt far too fast.  
I am thankful that you melted from that toddler, into my child with ease, instead of being ripped away. 
I am thankful that you didn't instantly sleep in your own crib in your own room from the start, but that you slept only with me, on my chest for the first many months, then transitioned to sleeping cuddled next to me, lending my your softness and warmth. 
I am thankful that you took your time transitioning to your Arms Reach co-sleeper slowly as the years went on, though it still feels like you are constantly drifting away, into your own person. 
Again, I thank you for always needing me, and wanting to be as close as possible, though less so as you find your own world.
  I thank you for allowing me to hold your hand just a little longer than needed, hold you a little tighter, and kiss your Golden locks just a tad too often.
I thank you for being afraid to leave my side at your first play date, and for looking back to make sure I was safe as you played at the park. 
I thank you for asking me to put your shoes on, and dress you even after you were physically capable.
Thank you for accepting my breasts with vigor, and weaning me slowly with time.
  It seems that each day that goes by you need me just a little less, and I am thankful that you still curl in my arms and ask for comfort in the best way you have known since the moment of your birth. 

I thank you, my precious son, for weaning me gently, for taking the time to allow me to adjust slowly, for the day you leave my home for a world of your own. 

Finding my Fade

I have heard a lot of Knitters talking about, and knitting Find your Fade.  I finally listened to the sister wife and cast on, after much stash diving.
I realised something about myself fairly recently. I can't properly pair a yarn and project.  For that reason, I am extra thankful for the talents of the sister wife.  I sent her videos of my extensive stash, and she said "this, this, this and this in this order." So that is what I did. 

And it turned out beautifully. I adore it, and have work it very frequently. This pattern was so fun, and the shawl is huge, and amazing. The construction was just clever and awesome as well. 

I have been a little obsessed with it honestly.  So this week, while on vacation in Phoenix, I was thrilled to run into another knitter poolside.  I can't tell you my delight when I found that she was knitting none other than her very own find your Fade!
I actually had a good laugh when I asked her what she was knitting with, and she very slowly explained "This is called FINGERING weight yarn.." as though she was speaking to a very special, new, or possibly Red Heart knitter.

In other news, and speaking of Red Heart knitting...

Once upon a time, someone at my church gave my neighbor a large bag of yarn.  My neighbor brought it to me, knowing that the original giver had intended it to be mine, but had gotten the wrong home. Because of this, I have nonideq who the giver was.  I decided to knit this fuzzy yarn into a large blanket for my husband, who appreciates hand made blankets.  I knit it this summer, and the yarn whispered to me that it was not meant to be knit. So crochet we did. I won't pretend that I didn't fell a little dirty... Hooking in secret, with sketchy, unknow origin yarn... Hiding from my husband day after day, hour after hour...  Running out of yarn, finding it was discontinued, and purchasing more on eBay in a secret purchase.   But in the end, I was left with this, which the hubby seems pleased with . 

What a difference a year makes

After a bone is broken an x-ray will always tell its tale. Though the bone may heal, it very well may always ache with certain factors, like weather changes etc. I find that is a lot how the healing from a loss has been.  It was a year ago tonight that I received the haunting call from my daughter.  This time last year our lives changed so dramatically that I feared the fractures would never heal. I didn't think we would ever be "normal" or happy again.  While things are so very, very different, and we are clearly still broken, things are not as bad as they were at that time.  Things have glued themselves back together in a new, still painful, but with a sprinkle of joy normal.  We are still going on.  We are still putting one foot in front of another, and we are still here.  Still trying. Things are worse than they were a year and a day ago, but so much better than a year minus a day.  Life truly does go on.  It goes on in a different, beautiful way. It goes on in ways I didn't think were possible the night the Drs told us all that they told us. 
Things go on, no matter how slowly, or painfully. The world doesn't stop. It doesn't even slow down.  It doesn't matter how much your own sphere is shattering, it just keeps going, feeling joy, feeling whole.  Eventually it drags those who stay along, and though they can't ever be whole and undamaged again, they can feel joy. They can learn to heal enough to form a new normal that contains so many levels of love, light and happiness to mingle with their sorrow and despair.

A year ago I really believed the world held no more light. I believed that we could never be normal and happy again.  And we won't ever be our old normal.  But we are happy with our new normal, and are finding new joy.  We stumble. We fall. We know what the bottom feels like, and we know how to call on our savior to help us up again.  There is light.

Merry Crankmas? It is around here!

Last year the wonderful man I married decided he would rather enjoy keeping me around, so he decided to ensure that would happen by purchasing the item I had been coveting since Mrs. Amber Linderman (yarnhoarder) mentioned it on her vlog .

Meet my 1942 Verdun Sock Knitting machine.

He got this for me in March, and I was surprised at how little learning curve there was . It came in many pieces, I YouTubed how to set it up, and then started making sock tubes . After a couple, I YouTubed how to make a full sock, and I did .and then I did another, and another, and another . I have made so many socks that I finally opened an Etsy to sell them, because I want to spread the joy. And Kevin wants me to support my habit . Crazy boy. 

I have had s

A vent against God and the universe, sort of

I am so lost, and feel like things will never be ok again.  ,

Today my daughter's 21 year old eternal companion was taken from this earth.  His journey was ended so unexpectedly,  and unfairly. They have been married only a grwat and a half,  and their marriage was a love story for the books.  They bought their first home a coupe of months ago. You know,  3 bedrooms on a coupe of acres, perfect for raising a family. And then on Christmas day they saw the 2 perfect lines that meant that family is well on its way. Hours and days were spent dreaming of,  talking about and preparing for this future mini me.

And in the blink of an eye it is gone.  My daughter and I went out for our typical Thursday mommy /daughter date.  We went to the local Mexican place and got fried ice cream to go,  since my youngest was being a fussy, typical toddler with a cold. As we were just pulling up,  my daughters sweetheart called to say goodnight,  and let her know she needed to wake him to take his medication since he had forgotten to get it out of the car. 
After we got the food,  we went to my house where we sat at home in my bed, eating ice cream, knitting,  watching Gilmore girls and chatting about the future with this beautiful little baby.  At 9:15 we did goodnight,  and my daughter went home.  When she got there she did her night routine and then went to wake her husband to give him his pills. He was asleep on his stomach,  so she tried to wake him.   He didn't wake,  which is very typical.  She started tickling his side,  When he still didn't wake she turned him over and that is when she saw that he had passed.  She performed CPR, while calling 911.

It is 9 months later and I am taking the time to come back to this unpublished, raw post.  I intend to finish it, but slowly and with less anger.  Because I was angry.  Really angry.  Some days, I still am.   Some days it really hurts.  But you know what? We made it.  We walked through hell, and we came out the other side.  Are we better for it? No.  I don't think so. Do we know a higher power? Yes. 

After the ambulance arrived my daughter called me.  I still hear this phone call in my nightmares.  It is the source of many panick attacks.  I saw her on the caller ID, and I answered.  She was screaming "Jacob's dead.  Jacob's dead! Get to the hospital.  Jacob's dead."   The paramedics worked on him for 45 min before leaving to the hospital. They shocked his body over and over, but he was gone.  When we got to the hospital I saw him mother walking into the ER. The ambulance was just arriving.  I went to his mom, and quickly realised she didn't know the severity. I just wanted to hold her and tell her it would be okay, but I didn't.  We walked to the ambulance and my daughter was standing there.  She didn't want to be touched. She was in such deep shock and pain.  We followed Jacob in, and they showed us to a room.  My daughter just kept saying "he is gone.  What am I going to do?" The dr came in and told us that he was putting him on life support, but things doesn't look good. Initial blood work showed his CO2 levels to be at 386. Brain damage starts at 40, o believe he said.   Kyra knew he was gone, so this wasn't new news to her.  She kept telling me that she knew he was gone.  At one point, through tears, she asked "Can o come home?"  It was the most heartbreaking weekend of my life. 

After they moved him to the ICU on life support, my daughter went to be with him.  She never left his side.  The following days were long. They were long. And very difficult.  I remember walking the halls with my husband and baby.  I felt so lost.  Never have I felt such pain. Never have I felt the depths of despair that fee days brought. 
But there were people.  So many good, caring, kind people.  There was never a time when we didn't have ward members, friends and family there supporting us.  We knew he wasn't coming back. We knew hard changes were coming.  I asked one of my dearest local friends if she could move a few of my daughter's things to our home.  She and others went so far above and beyond that there is no possible way to thank them in this life.  They packed her entire home.  They moved a huge amount to our home.  They cleaned out, painted red, and set up the perfect living space for her in my home.   After 48 hours in the hospital it was finally time to declare that our sweet Jacob had returned to his Heavenly home, and to take our broken daughter home to see if we could put the pieces back together at least enough to make them hold.  The next several months were the hardest of my life.  Harder than I can write.  Harder than you can imagine, probably.  Watching her pain.  Seeing her body wracked with grief.   Feeling the anger, the love.  It was all so much.  But time heals, or at least it soothes. Her body grew, and as it did this perfect child formed.  She talks about this on her blog, so I will leave it to her, but life is so full of tender mercies and miracles. 

Don't ever give up.  Don't ever quit. 

There is so much to say, but it has taken me nearly a year to write what I have, and I am ready to move on.

Now for a picture?

After the successful publishing of my least post I have decided to attempt a picture. 

This is the table runner I made in like -10 min.  It is crochet,  because crochet is fast. It is an entire cone of cotton, because cotton is cheap.