Thursday, October 31, 2013
As I sit and ponder the problems I am having with my very special child I was prompted to read a talk from LDS General conference. It is a talk by David M Mcconkie titled "Teaching with the Power and Authority of God.". I had no intentions of reading it this morning. I had already done my scripture study, and was ready to plunge into the rest of my day. I had the prompting to swipe over and read the next talk. I know the talk is about teaching classes in church, but it is also about teaching as a mother. It is about feeling the spirit, and choosing to be OK. Does this make everything clear? Not even close. Will it change me, and I will become the perfect teacher? Nope. Will it tweek me just a tad and make me the perfect teacher for THIS child? Some days maybe. And for now? That is enough. Hand it over to God. He's got this. That is a line I wrote while in tears after a church lesson a few weeks ago. Easier said than done. I am trying, and that's the best we can get.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
If you aren't ready for a long, very real post with no humor, turn away now. Today is too much. Today I want to start walking, and just keep walking. I am the mother to a special needs child. There it is. I said it. I am the mother to a very special little boy. This little boy has my whole heart. This little boy is very loving, kind, and sweet. This little boy is very scary, violent, explosive, and difficult. Today this child is more in the second category than the first. Today is a hard day. A very honest, hard, soul searching, soul wrenching day. Today I am suffering. Suffering from guilt. Suffering from confusion. Suffering from want. Suffering from loss. Today is a raw day. I have many raw days, but they generally are not as openly raw as today. Today it is very clear that my son is not ok, and that he isn't ever going to be ok. Today is a day of questioning myself. Questioning my every move as a parent. Can I give the very special little boy that I have been blessed with all that he needs? Would he be better if I allowed him to be distanced from me, and put into a more government run system? You see, I have chosen to be this childs mother. Yes, I chose it before I cam here to Earth, but I am talking more about my choices here. I have chosen this child. I have chosen to be his mother full time. I have chosen to keep him home and give him the very best of me. I have kept him home to educate him. I have kept him home to protect him from the cruelty of the world. I am a home schooling mother. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer him than he could get in a government run public school, underfunded and over worked. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer by giving him the one on one education this special child of mine needs. So why do I find myself questioning my every move? Why did I chose this very hard path? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I really enough? Could he get more from someone else?? Today is hard. Today he has cried. Today his heart has broken over and over for no reason anyone outside of his head can see. Today I question myself. Did I do this to him? Did I sleep to much or not enough during pregnancy? Did the medication I took for hypernemesis cause this? Did I harm my child? Did he chose this body, knowing its imperfections? Did he chose me as his mother because I can do hard things? Am I failing him? Can I really do things this hard? Who will this child be? What is meant for his life? Am I able to be the mother he needs? How? How do I keep breathing through these very raw days. Days of realization. Days of raw realization. Days that tell me that this road is not a paved one. Today I am surrounded by love. Today I have an eternal family. Today I feel alone.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
I love finishing a project, and thinking "I want more!" That is how this project is for me. I am really loving the remix, and I confident that my baby needs a sweater. He thinks so too. He has been watching me knit this baby jumper and saying "Make one for me?" So I shall. For now though? I love the way this feels.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
That is the number of size eight needles I have broken recently. That number means that I am on my last pair of size eights. It just so happens that this brand of size eight is a little bigger than the average size eight. I have already frogged this sleeve four times. It still doesn't look right. I will finish this cardigan. Needles be darned. Plus who the heck breaks needles this quickly? One pair of signatures, one chiagoo, and one knitters pride, so it isn't like I can blame the brand. Now I am using Addi's. I am not a huge fan. I think maybe a need a massage so that I am not so tense. It just so happens that this week is pack meeting week. In my family that equals something close to "will this be the month we have to call the nice men in the clean white suits" week. My house is a mess. My family is hungry, and apparently I take it out on the innocent... like my believed needles. But this weekend? This weekend is trailing of the sheep. I can hold onto my sanity long enough to get me there. I am also fairly certain that this post is the most rambly post I have ever written. I best go finish this awkward sleeve.