It hates me, but I love it!

The red sweater below? The one I had to frog? You know, that sweater. Yeah, it hates me. First it decided to be too small for a growing boy. No big deal, I love to knit. Knitting this yarn a couple of times is a pleasure. But then??? It hid the last ball of yarn from me. It waited until I had finished a ball of yarn, and was ready foe the very last one, and you know what it did? It totally his that ball. I spent days searching for it, tearing the house apart. Looking in the fridge, under the beds, in the large scary closet. You never know where a nearly finished sweater that hates you will hide that ball of yarn. And you know where I found it?? Right where I put it. I put it on the shelf, in my stash. I knew where I had put it, and had looked there at least fifty times and it was not there. I swear. I know what happened though. The sweater put the dang thing back when I wasn't looking! He is a sneaky one. I bet he just laughed, and laughed, and laughed! I thought we had come to an understanding after that. That we had come to an agreement. I could love him fully, with all my heart. He would put up with my tender touch because no one wants to live e without sleeves when it will be 20 below soon. So he allowed me to cast his sleeve on. We worked well together, in a soft, easy relationship...... for two rounds. Then you know what he did? He broke my size seven Chiaogoo!! Can you believe the nerve? I think he and the cozy Cardigan have been exchanging letters on how to best destroy my knitting joys. But I have them beat! (Shh, don't tell them I said that!) I have a secret weapon. My bff buff, level 7. She came dancing in, in her cape and tights, with a new size seven. And I knit. I knit, and knit. And I am determined to win. This will become a wearable sweater.

Breakfast

Done right.

Happiness sometimes comes in a bowl.

On the road again

We are headed back to Primary Children's again today, on account of some blood work that came back scary. We are there weekly right now. I can't say that I mind the time away. I wish that it wasn't because things with my son are so bad, but still, I don't mind the time away at all. I enjoy the many hours in the car with my little boy. We don't get near enough time alone together. We talk, and listen to books. He plays on his kindle. Then after the Dr we always go have lunch together. We generally visit a yarn store, which I would like to pretend is for him. It totally isn't, though he enjoys it too. He likes to pick out yarn so that I can make him something. He is a big fan of hand knits. Today while we are away I will be working on the sweater for him out of the yarn he chose while we were there last week. It is another simple, top down out of my own brain. I knit it once, and it didn't leave any growing room. Unfortunately he insist on doing a good amount of growing, so I frogged, and started again. I must say that I am very pleased this time. Very pleased indeed. Except that this bigger size uses more yarn. Yarn which I didn't buy, because I didn't intend to use it. I suppose it is a good thing we are headed back today.

See? A bit snug.

A teacher is also a student

As I sit and ponder the problems I am having with my very special child I was prompted to read a talk from LDS General conference. It is a talk by David M Mcconkie titled "Teaching with the Power and Authority of God.". I had no intentions of reading it this morning. I had already done my scripture study, and was ready to plunge into the rest of my day. I had the prompting to swipe over and read the next talk. I know the talk is about teaching classes in church, but it is also about teaching as a mother. It is about feeling the spirit, and choosing to be OK. Does this make everything clear? Not even close. Will it change me, and I will become the perfect teacher? Nope. Will it tweek me just a tad and make me the perfect teacher for THIS child? Some days maybe. And for now? That is enough. Hand it over to God. He's got this. That is a line I wrote while in tears after a church lesson a few weeks ago. Easier said than done. I am trying, and that's the best we can get.

A little to real

If you aren't ready for a long, very real post with no humor, turn away now. Today is too much. Today I want to start walking, and just keep walking. I am the mother to a special needs child. There it is. I said it. I am the mother to a very special little boy. This little boy has my whole heart. This little boy is very loving, kind, and sweet. This little boy is very scary, violent, explosive, and difficult. Today this child is more in the second category than the first. Today is a hard day. A very honest, hard, soul searching, soul wrenching day. Today I am suffering. Suffering from guilt. Suffering from confusion. Suffering from want. Suffering from loss. Today is a raw day. I have many raw days, but they generally are not as openly raw as today. Today it is very clear that my son is not ok, and that he isn't ever going to be ok. Today is a day of questioning myself. Questioning my every move as a parent. Can I give the very special little boy that I have been blessed with all that he needs? Would he be better if I allowed him to be distanced from me, and put into a more government run system? You see, I have chosen to be this childs mother. Yes, I chose it before I cam here to Earth, but I am talking more about my choices here. I have chosen this child. I have chosen to be his mother full time. I have chosen to keep him home and give him the very best of me. I have kept him home to educate him. I have kept him home to protect him from the cruelty of the world. I am a home schooling mother. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer him than he could get in a government run public school, underfunded and over worked. I kept him home because I felt like I had more to offer by giving him the one on one education this special child of mine needs. So why do I find myself questioning my every move? Why did I chose this very hard path? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I really enough? Could he get more from someone else?? Today is hard. Today he has cried. Today his heart has broken over and over for no reason anyone outside of his head can see. Today I question myself. Did I do this to him? Did I sleep to much or not enough during pregnancy? Did the medication I took for hypernemesis cause this? Did I harm my child? Did he chose this body, knowing its imperfections? Did he chose me as his mother because I can do hard things? Am I failing him? Can I really do things this hard? Who will this child be? What is meant for his life? Am I able to be the mother he needs? How? How do I keep breathing through these very raw days. Days of realization. Days of raw realization. Days that tell me that this road is not a paved one. Today I am surrounded by love. Today I have an eternal family. Today I feel alone.

The moment

When you realise the project you are knitting straight from your brain, with no pattern in mind, adding stitches and taking them away wherever you decide

Is turning out perfect, even if the pictures don't? The definition of bliss.

I need more

I love finishing a project, and thinking "I want more!" That is how this project is for me. I am really loving the remix, and I confident that my baby needs a sweater. He thinks so too. He has been watching me knit this baby jumper and saying "Make one for me?" So I shall. For now though? I love the way this feels.

And of course, I am loving these buttons.