Reality check

I am not anti-gun. I am actually very pro-gun. I grew up with guns, but in all honesty, they have always terrified me. I have always refused to allow a gun in my home. I made my amazing husband store his at another location.
Then we got the farm. The thing about owning a farm is that it kind of goes hand in hand with gun ownership.  My life and opinions changed a great deal. I started to allow a gun at the house. Not IN the house, but at the general location. However, the ammo is in a very separate location. Safety first. As time went on, I made it a goal to educate myself and my children on guns and gun safety. In time, my comfort level grew and I purchased a gun fit myself for my own farm use. Something I could handle myself if needed. That gun has been used four times on the farm. I could still never get comfortable with it. I asked my amazing husband to purchase another gun that I had used, and felt comfortable with. He did the amazing husband thing, and got me the gun. I have spent many hours, and many shooting sessions familiarizing myself with the gun, and I feel complete confidence in my weapon. Guns are indeed a part of our life, and we respect them.

With that introduction, I can tell the tale that started today's journaling. It has weighed heavy, and I can say it has changed my life.
This weekend we went hunting. My husband is not a hunter. I am not a hunter. In some kind of joke, we were sent a son that is very much a hunter. We feel that the best thing to do is to learn and grow with him. My husband's family all hunt, and he grew up hunting, so he knows the rules. This isn't new to him. This weekend we took our family to the mountains, and my husband took our son hunting. They were joined by my husband's family.

This weekend, while on the mountain, wearing bright orange, my husband was almost shot. There was an accidental firing of a weapon, and it missed my husband by inches. I can't explain the terror this brings to me. I have spent several sleepless nights since then, thinking of life without my eternal companion. My better half. My very best friend. I have gone over and over the changes in my head. What would we do? What steps would we take? Could I continue on? How would I deliver and raise a baby that never knew his father? Could my children go on without their best parent? Would I have to sell all of the livestock, my livelyhood since I can't care for them alone? Could my world continue without its axis? I know it could, but not successfully. It would never be as good as it is now.
In the end, my husband was safe. My son got his deer. We all returned home. Home to a news story of almost the exact scenario of what happened to my husband on the mountain, but with a ten year old boy left dead.
I will be haunted for a very long time. I will be thankful for the time here on Earth with my companion. I will more fully appreciate what I have.
I will live in fear of what could have been, or what might be someday. I will live a step back from where my comfort level was. I will be praying for the family and their loss, while paying for the gratitude I feel that it was not my own.