I am so lost, and feel like things will never be ok again. ,
Today my daughter's 21 year old eternal companion was taken from this earth. His journey was ended so unexpectedly, and unfairly. They have been married only a grwat and a half, and their marriage was a love story for the books. They bought their first home a coupe of months ago. You know, 3 bedrooms on a coupe of acres, perfect for raising a family. And then on Christmas day they saw the 2 perfect lines that meant that family is well on its way. Hours and days were spent dreaming of, talking about and preparing for this future mini me.
And in the blink of an eye it is gone. My daughter and I went out for our typical Thursday mommy /daughter date. We went to the local Mexican place and got fried ice cream to go, since my youngest was being a fussy, typical toddler with a cold. As we were just pulling up, my daughters sweetheart called to say goodnight, and let her know she needed to wake him to take his medication since he had forgotten to get it out of the car.
After we got the food, we went to my house where we sat at home in my bed, eating ice cream, knitting, watching Gilmore girls and chatting about the future with this beautiful little baby. At 9:15 we did goodnight, and my daughter went home. When she got there she did her night routine and then went to wake her husband to give him his pills. He was asleep on his stomach, so she tried to wake him. He didn't wake, which is very typical. She started tickling his side, When he still didn't wake she turned him over and that is when she saw that he had passed. She performed CPR, while calling 911.
It is 9 months later and I am taking the time to come back to this unpublished, raw post. I intend to finish it, but slowly and with less anger. Because I was angry. Really angry. Some days, I still am. Some days it really hurts. But you know what? We made it. We walked through hell, and we came out the other side. Are we better for it? No. I don't think so. Do we know a higher power? Yes.
After the ambulance arrived my daughter called me. I still hear this phone call in my nightmares. It is the source of many panick attacks. I saw her on the caller ID, and I answered. She was screaming "Jacob's dead. Jacob's dead! Get to the hospital. Jacob's dead." The paramedics worked on him for 45 min before leaving to the hospital. They shocked his body over and over, but he was gone. When we got to the hospital I saw him mother walking into the ER. The ambulance was just arriving. I went to his mom, and quickly realised she didn't know the severity. I just wanted to hold her and tell her it would be okay, but I didn't. We walked to the ambulance and my daughter was standing there. She didn't want to be touched. She was in such deep shock and pain. We followed Jacob in, and they showed us to a room. My daughter just kept saying "he is gone. What am I going to do?" The dr came in and told us that he was putting him on life support, but things doesn't look good. Initial blood work showed his CO2 levels to be at 386. Brain damage starts at 40, o believe he said. Kyra knew he was gone, so this wasn't new news to her. She kept telling me that she knew he was gone. At one point, through tears, she asked "Can o come home?" It was the most heartbreaking weekend of my life.
After they moved him to the ICU on life support, my daughter went to be with him. She never left his side. The following days were long. They were long. And very difficult. I remember walking the halls with my husband and baby. I felt so lost. Never have I felt such pain. Never have I felt the depths of despair that fee days brought.
But there were people. So many good, caring, kind people. There was never a time when we didn't have ward members, friends and family there supporting us. We knew he wasn't coming back. We knew hard changes were coming. I asked one of my dearest local friends if she could move a few of my daughter's things to our home. She and others went so far above and beyond that there is no possible way to thank them in this life. They packed her entire home. They moved a huge amount to our home. They cleaned out, painted red, and set up the perfect living space for her in my home. After 48 hours in the hospital it was finally time to declare that our sweet Jacob had returned to his Heavenly home, and to take our broken daughter home to see if we could put the pieces back together at least enough to make them hold. The next several months were the hardest of my life. Harder than I can write. Harder than you can imagine, probably. Watching her pain. Seeing her body wracked with grief. Feeling the anger, the love. It was all so much. But time heals, or at least it soothes. Her body grew, and as it did this perfect child formed. She talks about this on her blog, so I will leave it to her, but life is so full of tender mercies and miracles.
Don't ever give up. Don't ever quit.
There is so much to say, but it has taken me nearly a year to write what I have, and I am ready to move on.
